


Kizu (Scar)

by vogue91



Category: Joker: Yurusarezaru Sousakan
Genre: Child Abuse, Emotional Baggage, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Past Child Abuse, Revenge, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 09:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14077533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I wouldn’t have wanted for you to become a killer, Kenji.” he said, using his given name on purpose. “It’s not my right nor yours deciding whether that man should’ve died or not, we only got to decide if he deserved to be punished for what he had done, hadn’t there been witnesses to nail him.”





	Kizu (Scar)

Kudo had kept quiet for the whole car ride.

Date knew there wasn’t much to say, not in that situation, but he had learnt to know the younger man well enough to know that once he would’ve recovered, he would’ve started talking.

He couldn’t help it, it seemed.

Once they were back at the station he followed him down to the storage room he used as an office, closing the door behind his back and staring at him while Kudo walked up and down the room, as if he was unsure about what to do.

In the end he sat down, raising his eyes on him.

“Why didn’t you let me do it?” he asked, as if he had gotten bothered by it all of a sudden.

Date sighed, sitting down in front of him and crossing his arms, ready for what was going to be a long talk.

“I’ve told you why, Kudo. Your proofs were circumstantial, and you just suspected that Yoshinaga-san might have killed Fumiya, and you’ve acted impulsively. Like we’ve explained to you, until it’s possible to act following the law we have to...”

“That’s not what I mean.” the other man interrupted him, resting his elbows on the table, his eyes low. “I want to know why you didn’t let me pull the trigger. It wasn’t going to change much if a man like him was going to stop living, right? And then...” he seemed to realize something just then, and he frowned. “I wasn’t going to say anything about you and Mikami-san, even if they had caught me.”

Date looked confused, and couldn’t help but smiling.

“That’s not the point.” he said, shaking his head. He stood up, wandering throughout the room, aimlessly. “You would’ve killed that man because he’s hurt Fumiya, and I understand what you feel. I understand that in him you see...”

“I don’t see anybody in him!” Kudo stood up as well, moving the chair roughly and going to stand in front of him. “Do you think I only care about myself? Don’t you think  wanted to make disappear from the face of the earth a man like that, capable of taking it out on a kid?” he screamed, and for the second tie that night Date saw him close to tears.

He raised his hand, as to rest it on his arm, but in the end he seemed to change his mind and crossed his arms again.

“I wouldn’t have wanted for you to become a killer, Kenji.” he said, using his given name on purpose. “It’s not my right nor yours deciding whether that man should’ve died or not, we only got to decide if he deserved to be punished for what he had done, hadn’t there been witnesses to nail him.” he frowned, sad all of a sudden. “Can you understand the implications if you had pulled the trigger? Can you understand what it means killing another human being?” he asked.

There was much he wasn’t saying, and it was better for it to stay this way.

He wished he could’ve told him that he knew perfectly what it meant to kill someone, that he knew guilt, that there was no mitigating circumstance to make him feel better.

But he kept quiet, because he didn’t want Kudo to know about the person who had killed his parents’ murderer.

Not yet, not until he would’ve deemed he could trust him so much as to open himself about something like that.

The younger man looked straight in his eyes, and Date saw a tear running down his face.

Kudo shook his head, and made a spiteful noise.

“You’ve told Mikami-san that I could work with you because I didn’t have a purpose in my like.” he sighed, shaking his head. “I’m not your responsibility. I don’t know whether you’re trying to help me or if you have your personal gain it this, I don’t even know why you’re doing it, but I know I want to understand, Date-san. I want to understand why killing Yoshinaga would’ve made me feel worse than I already do.”

Date sighed.

Again he raised his hand, and this time he rested it on the younger man’s arm.

He let it go up to his shoulder, then to his shirt’s collar, letting the fabric slide down his shoulders until it was on the ground.

Kudo stayed there, prey of his touch as if he wasn’t capable of opposing it, while the detective forced him to turn, staring at his back.

Date brushed the burnings with his fingertips.

He followed their contours and then the intricate patterns they left on Kudo’s skin.

He caressed those scars, meanwhile he thought about all the possible scenarios where he could’ve gotten those, and while he thought about it he felt the horror grow, and he felt he could understand better what was going through Kenji’s mind.

He didn’t justify him, he never would have, yet he understood his desire to kill Yoshinaga, to avenge Fumiya’s death.

“That kid has reminded you of yourself.” he said, and it wasn’t a question. It was quite obvious, they both knew that. “Killing is father wasn’t going to make the burnings on your skin disappear. And it wasn’t going to make disappear all that you’ve had to bear, and it wasn’t going to make disappear all the memories of your father.” he sighed again, stepping  forward and pressing his forehead against Kudo’s nape, closing his eyes.

He knew the younger man was crying, so he didn’t force him to turn again.

Somehow he felt those tears where different than those he had spilt at the pier, he knew they were more personal, that this time they were for himself, not for Fumiya.

“I don’t need to be protected from my actions.” he tried to protest, his voice shaky, but in the end he shook his head. “But I’m glad you didn’t let me shoot. I would’ve betrayed your trust, right?” he asked, hesitating. “Because you and Mikami-san have explained the rules of the game to me, and I’ve accepted them. Fine. Just, I...”

He turned, forcing Date to step back.

He saw the desperation on his face, and he would’ve given anything to tear it away from him, to make him feel better, to be able to say that in the end with what they did justice actually existed, but he knew he was going to be the first one not believing his own words.

He smiled, shaking his head and leaning down to pick up his shirt, handing it to him.

“I wouldn’t have seen it as a betrayal of my trust, Kenji. I would’ve just thought that instinct had won over reason, that’s all.” he helped him putting his shirt back on, lingering once again with his eyes on the martyrized skin, feeling his smile fading slowly. “And I want you to be happy for yourself for not having shot, not for me. Even though... perhaps it’s going to take a while to realize it was the right choice.”

Kudo smiled, almost shyly, with an expression the elder had seldom seen on his face.

Then he bit his lip, pensive, sitting back down.

“My father used to drink.” he said, and Date sat down as well, paying attention to what he was saying. “He drank, just like Fumiya’s father, and when he did...” he pointed at his back, embarrassed. “I think it doesn’t take a great effort to understand what happened.” he brushed his face, as to erase the memories resurfacing. “Shooting would’ve been selfish on my part. The first time Fumiya and I have talked he said he couldn’t hate his father, that he wasn’t a bad person, despite everything. I don’t think he was trying to hide what he did, just...” he sighed, torturing his lips with his teeth. “I don’t think he would’ve wanted him dead. I think he wished he could change, but that he could’ve never be mad at him.” he clenched his eyes, as if he was coming down with a headache. “He was far better than me at his age. Even now maybe. I’ve always hated my father, and I’ve wanted him dead a thousand times. I’ve always felt justified for this desire, but I’m not so sure anymore.”

Date nodded, as to say that he understood what he was talking about, perhaps even too well.

“You can desire that people pay for what they have done. And when they’re dead, they can’t.” he said, and those were the very same words he said to himself any time he brought someone to Mikami, any time he had been the one who wanted to pull the trigger, for impatience, for being unable to wait for them to serve their sentences, and wanting to take their life just like they had taken the lives of others.

He was not a killer, and he didn’t want to become one.

If he had given in to that instinct even once, then he would’ve been the first to ask Mikami to let him have the same destiny of all the others, to bring him to justice, to face his own sins.

Kudo seemed to be thinking about something, and Date wondered what was actually going through his mind.

There was something fascinating about that man, somehow, something hidden behind his indifference and his coldness. That very same thing that had brought him to allow him to help, which he wouldn’t have allowed to many people.

“Why do you do it?” he asked then, frowning. “I can’t believe someone would want to do this without a good reason, right? I... I’ve got mine, and you know it.”

Date thought he was asking to give him the same trust he had shown, and smiled.

He wasn’t going to tell him the reason behind his choices, not yet.

Not because he didn’t trust him, more because it was a past with which he had never been ready to deal.

Talking meant remembering more than his mind already did, and he didn’t want to put himself through memories that hurt that much.

He ignored the question, taking his cell phone out of his pocket and putting it down on the table between them, sighing.

“I’ve read the texts you’ve sent to Fumiya.” he said, and didn’t give him time to protest for the lack of an answer. “I’ve read what you wrote to him. You said that when you were young you always smiled because you didn’t want others to know about your father, right?”

Kudo licked his lower lip, uncomfortable.

“I should’ve erased them before giving the phone back to you.” he said. “It was easier, that’s all. I don’t think I’ve ever been ready to tell someone what was going home, nothing else.”

Date stood up, taking his phone back and going toward the door.

“You’re not always forced to smile when you don’t feel like it. There are people in front of whom you also have a right to cry.” he said, before leaving.

He was expecting Kudo to follow him, but he was glad to see that he didn’t.

He was in a rush of getting out of that room, before his instinct would’ve brought him to open himself too much to him.

Before he could tell him that he had never allowed himself those tears, that he had handed out smiles as if they were necessary, that he had never been ready to show himself for who he was, to anyone.

Kudo would’ve understood, he was sure of it, and it scared him.

He thought about his tears and his words, he thought about his disfigured skin and what he had had to bear over the years, and he finally realized what had attracted him to the younger man.

He was tired of being alone in that battle, and having Kenji next to him had made him feel good as he had never felt during his whole life.

And this, after all, scared him as well.

Because once realized how much Kudo meant for him, he would’ve never wanted to drag him in that abyss, deep and with no chance to escape.

They weren’t heroes.

They just did what had to be done, and they had to learn to live with that cursed form of justice they had created, they had to learn to embody the hand of fate for those who, from that destiny, thought they had escaped.

It was too late for him, and he couldn’t go back.

He chocked down the instinct of going back to Kudo to ask him to run, while he still could, and kept walking.


End file.
